What am I doing...?

So back to the topic about boys.


I (casually) dated one guy from school for nearly 3 months and we both decided to end things. I realized I did like him, but he made it clear that he didn't want anything serious out of it. He said he had "commitment" issues and the problem is, I'm looking for a boyfriend. Another reason why I kind of became "cold" towards him was because I met another guy through one of my good friends. He gave me the attention that I wanted that Mark* didn't give me. Luke* would call me when Mark* very, very rarely did. Luke* eventually asked me out on a date but knowing my luck in the love department.....he didn't mention it again. 


Luke* and I still talked pretty much everyday since we met. About a week later, he sent me a text saying he didn't want to hurt me because he was dealing with a lot of issues that he had to get over with. He also said he'd understand if I didn't want to speak to him anymore. I text him back saying I understood and I won't just stop speaking to him like that. Ever since then, he still calls me almost everyday and we would talk for a long time. At one point he stopped calling me for a bit because he felt he was leading me on. Truth is, he is...just a little bit. But I know nothing will happen between us anyways so I guess I'm just trying to hang on to this friendship that we've developed.


I saw someone tweet this: http://weheartit.com/entry/14235941. 

I immediately thought about Luke*. That's when I realized I probably found my soul mate. So even if nothing will (romantically) happen between us, I know I have at least found my soul mate. 


Recently, I have been discovering that my feelings are growing for him. Whenever he talks about his ex and how he's still in love with her, it hurts me. I want him to be happy and try to comfort him. When he told me he wanted her back, I told him to go for it, go tell her how he feels and get her back. I wanted to cry so bad when I told him to do this. Then awhile later he told me he sent her a text telling her how he felt. She told him she was in a happy place right now.... When he told me he wanted to cry..I wanted to cry. I just wish he could move on and become a happier person...for himself, not anyone else.


I really hope I don't break my heart trying to mend his. I really hope I'll find someone that will make me feel whole and loved soon.

BFF?

I thought friends were the ones you can always count on, especially the one(s) you call "best friend". I thought they were the ones that you can talk to..about men/women, family, work, school..anything.

I used to be able to do that with my best friend, but lately it seems things have changed..a lot. I rarely talk to her anymore. I don't even text her that often anymore. Actually, I did until she didn't reply some of my texts, and "some" as in quite a few -- to the point where I've begun to stop replying her texts out of spite. I know it sounds silly and when I read back these blogs I'll probably think I'm an idiot. It's just that...it's kind of upsetting how our relationship has changed so much. I mean, I've know her ever since kindergarten for gods sake! That's what, 17 years? 

It's not that I don't try hanging out with her. It seems like every time I try, she's too busy. Too busy with school, too busy with her family, too busy with her coworkers, too busy with her friends from school. Anyone else see a pattern here? She has time to hang out with everyone else but me. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything (and yes, I realize after re-reading this it sounds like "me, me, me"), but I just miss the times where we hang out together. I miss the times where we laugh at silly things. I miss the times where we cry with/to each other because of whatever problems, big or small, we had. What makes me more mad is that I would see pictures of her going out with her coworkers. It's getting quite frequent actually. I understand that everyone has a whole lot of other people in their lives and she's not an exception, but am I not going to be in her life anymore? 

Some people's best friend will actually be their BFF. Their relationship will probably last until the day they die. Some other BFFs won't be that lucky. I know it takes effort to make these relationships lasts, but it takes more than one person to make that work -- kind of like a romantic relationship with your other half. I don't know if mine's will be my BFF but I'm not quite ready to give up yet. It's been too long and we've helped each other through enough hardships to give up on this best friend.