FWB....the end..

I've had a FWB relationship with my best friend for awhile now. He's slept with 2 other girls since sleeping with me and last night there was a third. I honestly thought that the next time that would happen...we would've ended our fwb relationship first. I have feelings for him..surprise, surprise right? I can't stop digging myself a deeper and deeper hole. I can't get out.

Some things he does makes me feel like he has feelings for me too. But then this happens. I'm really stupid. I keep getting myself hurt. My heart hurts. Bad. Real bad. I don't ever want to lose him though. Since I have feelings for him, obviously I want more than "just friends." This chance of it ever happening seems to be getting slimmer and slimmer. When I feel I'll just give up and let it go, he makes me feel he likes me. It's just a stupid, vicious cycle of me deceiving myself. Why can't I just step back and see what's happening and what will end up happening..? I'M GOING TO GET MY HEART BROKEN.

I'm trying really hard to just move past it and try to get over him. A YouTube beauty guru said, "you just need to step back." If I step back and do my own thing and he realizes that he wants to be with me then sure that's great. If not, I just need to let it go..let him go. Easier said than done, but I'm going to try. Hell, I'm going to give it my all. It'll be for the best.

"The best way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain. And when you feel the pain and go beyond it, you'll see there's a very intense love that is wanting to awaken itself." - Deepak Chopra

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it." - Jacques Prévert


"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." - Martin Luther King


“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.” - Paul Valery


"Chance does nothing that has not been prepared beforehand." - Alexis de Tocqueville


"Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want." - Jim Rohn

I'm going to keep telling myself that things could be worse. It's not that bad. Everything will get better. I know it will.

Keeping my chin up. :)

What am I doing...?

So back to the topic about boys.


I (casually) dated one guy from school for nearly 3 months and we both decided to end things. I realized I did like him, but he made it clear that he didn't want anything serious out of it. He said he had "commitment" issues and the problem is, I'm looking for a boyfriend. Another reason why I kind of became "cold" towards him was because I met another guy through one of my good friends. He gave me the attention that I wanted that Mark* didn't give me. Luke* would call me when Mark* very, very rarely did. Luke* eventually asked me out on a date but knowing my luck in the love department.....he didn't mention it again. 


Luke* and I still talked pretty much everyday since we met. About a week later, he sent me a text saying he didn't want to hurt me because he was dealing with a lot of issues that he had to get over with. He also said he'd understand if I didn't want to speak to him anymore. I text him back saying I understood and I won't just stop speaking to him like that. Ever since then, he still calls me almost everyday and we would talk for a long time. At one point he stopped calling me for a bit because he felt he was leading me on. Truth is, he is...just a little bit. But I know nothing will happen between us anyways so I guess I'm just trying to hang on to this friendship that we've developed.


I saw someone tweet this: http://weheartit.com/entry/14235941. 

I immediately thought about Luke*. That's when I realized I probably found my soul mate. So even if nothing will (romantically) happen between us, I know I have at least found my soul mate. 


Recently, I have been discovering that my feelings are growing for him. Whenever he talks about his ex and how he's still in love with her, it hurts me. I want him to be happy and try to comfort him. When he told me he wanted her back, I told him to go for it, go tell her how he feels and get her back. I wanted to cry so bad when I told him to do this. Then awhile later he told me he sent her a text telling her how he felt. She told him she was in a happy place right now.... When he told me he wanted to cry..I wanted to cry. I just wish he could move on and become a happier person...for himself, not anyone else.


I really hope I don't break my heart trying to mend his. I really hope I'll find someone that will make me feel whole and loved soon.

BFF?

I thought friends were the ones you can always count on, especially the one(s) you call "best friend". I thought they were the ones that you can talk to..about men/women, family, work, school..anything.

I used to be able to do that with my best friend, but lately it seems things have changed..a lot. I rarely talk to her anymore. I don't even text her that often anymore. Actually, I did until she didn't reply some of my texts, and "some" as in quite a few -- to the point where I've begun to stop replying her texts out of spite. I know it sounds silly and when I read back these blogs I'll probably think I'm an idiot. It's just that...it's kind of upsetting how our relationship has changed so much. I mean, I've know her ever since kindergarten for gods sake! That's what, 17 years? 

It's not that I don't try hanging out with her. It seems like every time I try, she's too busy. Too busy with school, too busy with her family, too busy with her coworkers, too busy with her friends from school. Anyone else see a pattern here? She has time to hang out with everyone else but me. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything (and yes, I realize after re-reading this it sounds like "me, me, me"), but I just miss the times where we hang out together. I miss the times where we laugh at silly things. I miss the times where we cry with/to each other because of whatever problems, big or small, we had. What makes me more mad is that I would see pictures of her going out with her coworkers. It's getting quite frequent actually. I understand that everyone has a whole lot of other people in their lives and she's not an exception, but am I not going to be in her life anymore? 

Some people's best friend will actually be their BFF. Their relationship will probably last until the day they die. Some other BFFs won't be that lucky. I know it takes effort to make these relationships lasts, but it takes more than one person to make that work -- kind of like a romantic relationship with your other half. I don't know if mine's will be my BFF but I'm not quite ready to give up yet. It's been too long and we've helped each other through enough hardships to give up on this best friend.

Stories of Family History

Wow, talk about a complicated family history. My mom has told me a bit about China and my great-grandparents before but I just learned a whole lot more.

My parents are from Canton, China, a city next to Guangzhou, China. I knew they were very poor and lived in very rundown houses that couldn't even really be called houses. I went to visit China about 7 years ago and they looked more like shacks than houses. I also saw the small village where my mom lived in before she moved out into the city and man oh man was it a scene. Not in a good way. I'm sure it's gotten worst since they moved out because most of the people have moved on and only some elderly people stayed there but, it couldn't have been any better.

Awhile ago, my mom told me about what happened during the extremely hard times in China. A long time ago, maybe 40 years or so ago (guessing this since my mom said this was when she was a kid), people that owned any property or land were considered somewhat wealthy. The government would take this property away or punish the owners. My great-grandfather from my dad's side was shot to death; my great-grandfather from my mom's side was forced to kneel on broken glass and starved to death; and my grandfather from my dad's side committed suicide due to some pretty messed up personal matters.

My mom also told me that her and her sisters were bullied in school and around the village because of this "property-owning" issue. They would always be taunted by kids, getting called "property owner daughters." One of my aunts only had one shirt to wear and it was a patterned shirt. Bullies would throw stones at her and say that she was always wearing the same stupid shirt and the stupid patterns were hurting their eyes, making them dizzy. The crops that they grew were also stomped on by other people -- WHILE they were standing there. Same with peanuts and whatever snacks they had -- they would just take them...while my mom and her family where standing right there!

I'm sure there's a whole lot more ancestor history and drama to learn about..the drama hasn't even stopped now. But then again, which family doesn't have a complicated, drama-filled history? There's that saying: "You don't know what happens behind closed doors of every family."

I'm off to take a nap, considering I've been up since 4am. Then off to school again in a couple hours.

Have a great day!

Definitely....

What I did today: Slept until 11am, woke up and got ready for work. Picked up textbook from friend and worked on accounting assignment after work. Finished assignment and went for drinks and dancing in downtown..when I really should have been studying.

So after my semi-productive day, I just read through my last few blogs. I have DEFINITELY NOT been keeping up with these daily blogs and DAILYBOOTH. I don't even know if it's a good idea to be blogging right now when I'm this tipsy...

It's currently 4:45am, I should be going to sleep but I don't feel like it yet. I'm in shorts and a sleeveless top and I'm freezing. I guess this is what alcohol does to you --- you don't really act rationally.

So back to the guy topic. I think I might be crushing on someone. I think he broke up with his girlfriend not too long ago. I didn't really ask him about it. He lives in the same area as me but is currently working in another province. I honestly don't know what to do. All I can say is that these...outings..?.. makes me realize how much I want a boyfriend. Not just someone with the "title" of a "boyfriend", but an actual one. I'm probably not making sense but OH WELL, I'm just going to use alcohol as an excuse. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes in the future. Will there be any guys part of my life....or not?

On the other hand, I should really start focusing on school since it's the second month in already. I have 2 midterms next week and I really haven't started studying for them yet. My goal for this week now that I've got my partying out of the way: Study and get a decent grade on my 2 midterms on Wednesday.

Alright, it's now 5am..I should REALLY get ready for bed since I have work tomorrow as well.

I hope I have better luck with guys...soon. I'll post an update on that and anything else in my life whenever I don't feel too lazy. :P

Good night!

A Wednesday Night

So I went out for drinks with a guy friend tonight. Sometimes it seems like he's interested, sometimes not. Really frustrating . Currently texting him as I'm blogging as well haha. Anyways just wanted to say I don't know what to do. I'm so tired and the alcohol didn't help. I only had 5 hours and a bit of sleep last night.

To update on my last blog. I managed to complete 1.5 to 2 of the tasks on my to-do list: laundry and hw.

Good night!

Procrastination

Oh procrastination how you love to ruin my life!

So once again I'm blogging in my bed. Today's blog will be about how procrastination basically takes over my life. Every single time I get home from school there are readings and/or assignments to do. I always say to myself I should start doing them soon or at least start on them. But what do I do instead? Procrastinate of course! Same thing with other things I have to do. I would make a "to-do" list and end up only crossing off a couple of them. I usually do anything and everything but what I'm suppose to. Like...watching videos on YouTube or watching other shows. Both Chinese and English! Sometimes even Korean or Japanese! I am so terrible at keeping myself on track. I think I definitely lack motivation and self-discipline. I honestly don't know how to change my way of doing things. Maybe I should attend some workshops or something.

Oh and an example of how horrible I am? I skipped class this morning because I didn't finish the accounting assignment that was suppose to be handed in today. I only have TWO days of school a week (Mondays and Wednesdays). Usually I'd have to work 4 days but this week I only had to work ONE day! I had so much time to do my homework but instead I watched videos and shows on the internet. I did do some of the readings but wasted most of my time doing not-so-productive things.

Alright. Tomorrow I'm going to try really hard to be productive. My to-do list for tomorrow is as follows:

1. Do the laundry
2. Go to the gym or walk the dog if it's not raining
3. Do homework and possibly some readings

Oh and something I've REALLY been putting off..

4. Renew passport

Let's see how far I get with a list of only FOUR things.

Maybe I'll update tomorrow on here about how I did if I don't procrastinate this as well. :/

Good night!